Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Extreme Frustration to Profound Discovery
So I always say to people, extreme frustration is followed by profound discovery. Yet somehow I am not applying that to myself. My frustration level is at an all time high. To the point of wanting to give it all up last night. I gave up on myself. I walked away from my horse, and proceeded to have a full blown temper tantrum/ sob fest. Emotional fitness? I think not. I debated blogging about it as I barely have the will to complain anymore. It is a good thing that I met a woman, who I hope to be my white night. She is making time for me this Sunday, fathers day of all days, but my husband said it was OK. I have not had a lesson in 10+ years, with the exception of a L2 clinic with Ann Kiser, back when the blue level 2 was brand new. I am picky as to whom I give my money to for advice. Way to picky some may think, but for me, I rely on my own good senses and the written words of my chosen mentors, before putting my money in the hands of someone who may steer me in the wrong direction. I have wasted too much of my life, and my money, to trainers who did little more than nearly get me killed. I audit a lot though, and study with an insatiable appetite. Anyways, why I didn’t think my own words applied to me, I will never know. Something big must be in store for me, as a mastery student just reminded me, “it is always darkest before the dawn”. (thanks Hilary) Well it is pitch black for me right now. And all I can say is, I hope, and truly believe, Maggie will save me from myself. Save me from self loathing and self pity, and a rage inside me that is building. Which is better than the deadness I was feeling before. Before, I was in total denial of my deep depression from the car accident, and lacked any kind of desire, and was doing nothing with my horses. NOTHING. But I woke up one day, and decided to do something with my horses, only to find I had lost myself, my skills, and my sense of discovery. Her words to me are foreign. While I know them and speak them to others, they are foreign in application to my self. The main theme……FUN. Now generally speaking I am a fun person, in fact quite silly. I have fun with other people, and truly enjoy helping others have fun with their horses. But I realized today, I have not done it myself in a long time. The only horse I ever owned, who I actually played with was TigerLily. None of my other horses had a play drive that was noticeable to me. Mainly because they are RB horses, and safety, comfort and harmony are their main drives. Rose is the only one with a play drive. Unfortunately I think fun for her is dominance. But I don’t know. It is such a foreign word to me. I can’t remember a time that we PLAYED in the sense that I am thinking of. Maybe she does have THAT type of play drive, and because I haven’t noticed and encouraged it…..it is being suppressed, and what shines through the holes is argumentative dominance games. A battle of wills. A fight to the death. I know "I" am not having any fun. So how can SHE be having fun? Seriousness, determination, and survival are all that has followed fear, inadiquacy and doubt lately. I am lonely, bored and desperate. I hope this woman is up for my challenge. I will be throwing myself at her feet, begging her to show me the way out of this darkness that has become my horse life. It is a tall order for sure, and she seems to me to have the goods to do so. I will try not to dump my entire mess on her shoulders. For that is a heavy burden to carry. In fact that is probably one of my problems. Carrying a heavy burden. I need to drop it to the floor and have fun again. I just need someone to show me the way home. Today my friend was a little peaved at me that I don’t let her or my son get caught in the trap of perfection, yet I expect it of myself. I can’t say that I blame her for wanting to bonk me on the head. She had some nice things to say about me, both about me as her instructor and as a friend, as usual, I had a hard time accepting her generous words. But I did. So I am going to go home, and PLAY with my horses, and try not to make a red hot mess of it.