Feeling a little blue today....

I came across this old post that I never published, it was still in draft mode.  Boy...I'm surprised I didn't slit my wrists that day!...........

As I was getting dressed for work this morning, my mind was realing, as it always does, thinking of 1000 things at once.  Maybe if I had just been thinking of finding my blutooth, instead of everything else, I would not have searched the house 3x over to no avail.  But there I stood, in between jamies and work clothes, and caught a glimps of myself in my closet mirror (12ft long, kinda hard not to) as I was having a conversation with someone else in my head, and it dawned on me.....that despite my best intentions and efforts....I will never be ME again.  The 'me' I have been searching for now for 3ys.  Well, OK....yes I 'could', but I am not sure I could handle the sacrifices I would have to make.  Basically, I would need to give up all but one of my horses, so I could board again, to have daily access to good footing.  That also in turn, means more time away from home.....and who would it be that I keep.  Snookie cannot be re-homed at her age, and will not do well alone, even if i kept her and boarded one other.  It is kinda like trying to decide which of your kids you will shove out the door.  The reality of my property is just depressing. I feel like I have known this all along.  Seems like I have.  But it really hit me this morning. HARD.  So what do I do now.  I am not giving up, that's for sure.  But clearly I need a different goal.  This is something that I have also felt all along that I had.  And maybe I did.  There was an opening in the Mark Rashid clinic in april, I was first on the wait list.  but I dont have the $$ right now for a clinic, and will have to wait until Nov for my planned clinic with him.  But I soooo need it right NOW.  I am thinking of what I can do in my 'arena', to make it honestly usable for more than just playing around. Something that I can feel good about asking my horses to work in.  I think that has been a major set back, that I will not ask my horses to work on bad footing.  Sucks enough that it is small, it should at least be proper for good biomechanics.

Savvy On
Michelle