A day in the mind of "ME"

While I am getting ready to embark on my next super cool horsemanship adventure, (sorry gotta keep y’all in suspense for a while about it) I am about to (hopefully successfully) learn something really cool….a childhood dream of mine. And the very thought of actually learning it….has caused me to be a bit nostalgic. And in doing so I am pondering many things and it has come to my attention that I am not like everyone else. Not that I didn’t know that already, or haven’t had these thoughts before, but really….I’m a gal that walks to the beat of my own drum. Turns out, I really AM horse crazy. Not like the “normal” horse crazy gal, rather quite obsessed. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I am bi-polar or something. I have in the past referred to myself as dedicated, passionate, and immersed…..but it seems as I have gotten older, the friends to whom I used to categorize my self with, have grown out of it, but somehow I haven’t. According to the thesaurus, there are other words I could use that just might be more fitting….such as self absorbed, fanatic and insane. I can’t really say why I am this way, I only know that I am, and have been since the day I was born.

It all started when I was 2 years old and went to a flea market with my mother. Seems strange but I actually remember this event. How many people can say they have a vivid memory from when they were a toddler? Few, I suppose. But there I was, in a dimly lit warehouse, looking up at a table with some kids toys, and saw the most beautiful sight to ever behold….a Breyer horse. Not one, but two. I have no recollection of how I may have communicated to my mother that I had to have them, but I remember paying a quarter for them and my mom let me hand the money over. One was a grey appaloosa with his tail missing and ears sheared off, the other a black horse with a white mane and tail and the western saddle and bridle were part of the mold.

He had a gold chain for reins and some pretty serious white scuff marks over his whole body. They were the first of many to come and the catalyst to a life long obsession. I can’t remember what happened to the black horse, other than I have not seen him since I was a small child, but I still have the appy, though one of his legs has been in a drawer for years, waiting for me to unpack its counter part and superglue them back together. That leg has been in the kitchen junk drawer of the last 3 houses I have lived in, and I just can’t seem to have both the leg and the horse in my hands at the same time. My husband asks me from time to time to remind him of why I still have it. My only reply is that “It is a historical artifact to a very important cosmic event…..HELLO???....do you even KNOW me at ALL??”

Shortly after I acquired my treasures, I saw a real horse up close and personal…..and it has been down hill for my parents, friends and loved ones from that day forward. My mom, single at the time, could not afford to buy me a real horse, nor even pay for lessons….so the very next summer, my great grandparents drove me 400 miles to visit my aunt who had an Arabian ranch. Little did they know they would repeat the same pilgrimage each summer for the next 6 years, until they got too old and paid to fly me down there the following 3 years.

By that point I had gotten a paper route at age 10 to pay for riding lessons, and the summer before I turned 13, was the last to be spent at her ranch. I had seen the alternate Olympics in 1980 and decided to ride English from then on, and also aspired to become “Rookie of the Year” in show jumping. And of course I dreamed of going to the Olympics, like many other young girls do.

About the same time, the movie ‘The Black Stallion” came out in the theater….and thus….another life long dream of mine was sparked….. To have a wild horse, befriend him like no other human could and ride bareback and bridle-less on the beach…..the same dream of every other girl my age on the planet. So I think it really is no shock that so many middle aged women, like myself, who were the at the same impressionable age as me, when Walter Farley brought “The Black” to life on the big screen…..are hung up on horses.

I however would be obsessed. Driven to the point of insanity. With an insatiable appetite to learn all that I can and an inability to talk about anything else. I have spent 40 of the last 42 years completely and hopelessly blinded by horses. I eat, sleep and breath horses. Last year on a visit with a long distance friend, I cried on her shoulder about how much I missed her and how lonely I was. I needed a horse friend to hang out with, some one to enjoy this with and for her to hurry up and move back home. We talked about ‘me’ and what on earth could possibly be wrong with me. Of course the conclusion was that I was deeply passionate in a way no one else could understand or keep up with….kind of a useless bit of trivia really….as it was an explanation to my problem, it did not solve the problem in the least. She is as close as I guess a friend could be, to ‘keep up’ with me, and it has been torture living without her all these years. Thankfully, she is coming home in a few short months….just in time for the good weather.



I often think back to that little girl, in her room drifting off to sleep, dreaming of horses. Horse pictures plastered all over her wall, doodles of horses on all her school books. Driving with her mom thru the country side, fantasizing about galloping alongside the car on a horse. During recess pretending to be a horse, cantering thru the school yard, whinnying and snorting and being made fun of, while other girls were already worrying about make up and what to wear. She dreamed of black stallions and flaxen maned horses……hoping that someday, she could have a horse of her own. I wish I could speak to that little girl and whisper in her ear as she drifts off to sleep, not to worry, someday you will own a black horse and ride it bridle-less. Some day you will befriend a wild horse with a flaxen mane and he will trust you like he trusts no other human. Someday you will know way more about horses than you could ever possibly imagine. Close your eyes sweet heart and dream to your hearts content, not all of your dreams will come true….but this one that you dream tonight WILL come true, and some day you will have more horses than you know what to do with. Someday your life with horses will be better than you could ever hope to dream. Close your eyes now sweet heart, you only have to wait a little while longer.

Deep in my heart, I know that if the little girl could visit me now, she would love to slap the ever loving tar out of me and tell me...

Stop whining about what you don’t have, what you can’t do or what you have lost with age. Look out your back window, look all around you. You are not an OLD woman YET. Can’t you see you are living my dream? So… Live it …..PLEASE, for me. Please don’t let my dream die because it is getting too hard for you…you wimp. Who cares if your crazy, insane, or single minded……so am I. You are me, so keep living our dream please.

So with that said, off I go on this next leg of the journey.

Savvy On

Michelle