Blinding **FLASH** of the obscure! Huge FEAR breakthru

WOW, I just realized that I had a major breakthrough this weekend, biggest that I have had in the last 2.5yrs. OK so you know I have been suffering from a fear of failure since trying to come back after my accident. In that time, I had no confidence in myself. I let my daily failures get the better of me and felt as though I would never be good enough again. When I sent in my OLL3, I honestly did not expect to pass. However when I received my results of Pre3, I was devastated. But in looking at it, the scores did not make sense. It was not for the reasons that I thought it would be. So luckily I found myself at the Fresno event, arguing my case to anyone who would listen. And while it didn’t make sense to anyone else either (and now I know why, will write about that one later) I found in all of this that “I” was defending MYSELF. Usually I am putting myself down, unable to accept others compliments or their evaluation of my skills, feeling I was unworthy of any accolades. I found myself this weekend saying again and again “I am better than this score, why can’t they see that”, and the truth is, “I” am the one who couldn’t see it. Next thing I know, I am standing face to face with Pat Parelli himself, begging for him to explain to me what it all meant. I got an explanation, and walked away understanding. While I do NOT agree with the system. It is what it is, and if I want to pass, then _X_ needs to be shown. I did not show it. Long drive home, waiting patiently for Pat to review my video himself…..not going to there right now….saying to myself (my friend was just a sounding board at this point, I hate to say I can’t recall a single word she said)…..


“Ya know what? I don’t care what my score or result is. I am not re-doing it. I know I am a solid L3, and I am not going to torture my horses, not even one more time, taping this dang thing. We are ALL sick of it. In my book I passed, and I am moving forward to my OLL4 and LIBERTY4 auditions.”

Funny the confidence you find in yourself when you are fighting for your life. All I needed was to hear myself trying to justify this or that, and now I finally believe in myself.

At the tour stop, Linda had people stand up who had passed L1 (officially or self assessed) and a lot stood up. Then she asked for L2 grads and quite a number of people sat down. Then L3 grads, and just about everybody sat down. Then L4 grads. I stood there, in my own little world for a moment, and was watching Linda look for people on the other side of the arena, giggling with the crowd at her missing some joke or something. Then I started to look around and I too could not see anyone standing. I heard someone yell out from behind me to Linda, but she couldn’t hear them, so I yelled out her name (I have a big loud voice) and she turned around, glared me right in the eye, and said, ‘Just you? Congratulations!”

I instantly realized at that moment that 2000+ eyes were staring at ME. The whole room went white, then black, and I have no recollection of what happened in the following 5-10 minutes. At the time, I felt like a liar. But I know better than that. Official status is for our ego, our real status is measured by our horses. I hold their opinion higher than Pats. And even if I fail my audition, by Pats hands, My horses know I am a L5, and that is fine by me!

Savvy On
Michelle